Humor For Lexophiles (Lovers Of Words)
Words have always fascinated me. It started with oxymorons many years ago and it led to my first book on the subject. Words can almost always be interpreted in multiple ways.
The following compilation of puns began as an e-mail several years ago. Although there are not oxymorons, they lend themselves to humorous interpretations. I think it’s time for this information to be shared with the rest of the world. So here goes…
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at lar ge.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democrac y it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
GROAN…
Am I Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? I’m Not Sure!
As most of you know, I create illustrated humor books primarily on the subject of oxymorons and I sell these books on the internet.
A very good friend of mine (Jeanne) teaches an incredibly intelligent group of 5th graders. She likes to challenge them by presenting them with new ideas and ways to use those ideas. Up until now, I never pictured youngsters that age “getting it” as far as my work was concerned.
One evening when we were having dinner with our spouses, she asked if I would be willing to talk to her students about oxymorons and, with some trepidation, I agreed. In my past experience I have found that youngsters can be a very tough audience and I did not want to let Jeanne down.
When the fateful day came, I was introduced to the class and after a little hesitation on their part they started throwing a barrage of questions at me.
I have never felt so challenged. Their minds seemed to work at light speed as they started getting the concept of what an oxymoron actually is. For those of you who may not know, an oxymoron is a phrase or sentence using opposite words which at first appear foolish but upon reflection are not.
Jeanne came to the rescue when she said: “Now I’d like you to choose an oxymoron and do a drawing of it.” That’s all she said and as these young people got into the rhythm of the exercise, questions and comments and even some jokes were added to the mix. But… the real surprise was yet to come!
“What should it look like?” Can we do more than one?” “How would this look?” “Is this an oxymoron”? “Why not?” It was amazing to see how their minds were working in such an organized way
As an author of oxymorons, I used to think that I had a really good handle on creating and illustrating them. What a stunner it was for me to see how fifth graders think. I had been so wrapped up in working on this subject that I didn’t realize how out of touch I was with the rest of the world.
The ideas and illustrations created by these especially bright young people were fresh and unique. It was a true breath of fresh air to see what they were able to produce in such a very short time.
This experience taught me a very valuable lesson. Open your mind to all people of all ages. Pay attention because there is something of value to learn from them.
I did!
LIVING IN A FURNACE IN A BLACKOUT
We live in a small town in Nevada called Las Vegas. It features things like gambling, beautiful hotels with something for every taste in both architecture and food choices from around the world. Sounds great doesn’t it? Well, for the most part it is but with one glaring exception. What’s that you ask? Thanks for asking. It’s the weather.
The weather in Las Vegas in the summer is abusively hot and sometimes abusively humid as well. From mid-June through late-September, it is not unusual for the temperature to exceed 100+ degrees. To us that’s 4 months of living in a furnace.
Of course our world is dependent on air conditioning for survival. So what happens when a blackout occurs as it recently did in July? At approximately 11 PM everything went out all at once. The temperature at the time was 111 degrees. The lights, air conditioning, computers and nothing was sacred. It was especially devastating for my wife who was in the middle of a large project and had it wiped out instantly. For me it was also a disaster. The heat and the humidity too felt like a blanket over my entire soul. I couldn’t eat and or sleep. I was cranky, even my dog was cranky and, unlike me, my wife who had lost that giant file, was benevolent about the whole thing. It felt like the world was closing in on me. I felt claustrophobic and at that moment time I hated living here. It truly felt like I was living in a furnace with no way to escape. The real truth is that although I’m not a gambler, I really like living here most of the time.
BUT, approximately three hours later, the power was restored. I thought to myself: HOORAY, it’s finally over. Technically I was right but then I realized that every clock in the house except for the ones on the computers, had to be reset manually. Now I don’t know about you but I never knew how many clocks we had until my wife and I had to reset them all. TV’s, VCR’s, tape players, all the clocks including the stove, coffee maker and even the fax machine.
All in all an experience I don’t wish on anyone else (unless it’s someone I really don’t like very much).
Bruce Fein is the author of “Jumbo Shrimp, The Ultimate Oxymoron Book”. It is his compilation of 100 four color humorous illustrations of oxymoronic humor. It is available only through his website: “theworldaccordingtobruce.com @ $9.97 per copy.
Dining With Friends
Last year, my wife and I joined with three other couples and formed a monthly dine-out group. Each month one of our couples selected a local restaurant and we would meet there for dinner. Seems simple doesn’t it? In fact it was (and is) a nice way to get together and share our experiences for a few hours.
The “rules” are simple. Not too expensive, convenient location and food that everyone likes. We have been doing this for about two years now and, for the most part, it has worked out very well. So why am I writing about this?
I got frustrated with several of the restaurants we were going to. I love the company of our friends and look forward to our monthly rendezvous. What frustrated me was the restaurants themselves. We would usually go out on a Saturday night as a matter of mutual convenience and as a result, most of the places we went to were very busy. The service and the food were not always up to speed and the ambient noise in some of the places made it difficult to have a conversation. Another frustration was the fact that it was very difficult to get a round table for 8 people so that everyone could see and talk to everyone else. I wonder if this has ever happened to you? I tried to ignore it but the inconvenience and attitude of the restaurants bothered me. So what did I do about it?
I tried an experiment. When our turn came up, I asked each couple to chip in $30.00 each, (a total of $120.00), and we would provide all food and drink (including wine). Since the average cost of dinner at a restaurant per couple was between $70.00 to $100.00 this was a bargain for everyone. I should note here that my wife and I both like to cook so this was also a labor of love.
As we approached our Saturday, we were confident that all would go well and were right! There were also some neat side benefits. Before dinner everyone collected in a circle in the living room and started talking. We served wine and appetizers and kept talking for over an hour. So dinner was late and nobody cared since they were having such a good time. The experience lasted for more than 4 hours and now whenever it’s our turn, we create a new menu. It’s been a great experiencefor all and we always look forward to it. Each time we do it, it has been an unqualified success. We have gone from homemade Chinese food to veal marsala, barbequed steaks and our personal favorite, Valentine’s day which included lamb and chicken. We asked everyone to wear red and white to honor the day. Then we decorated our artificial Christmas tree with with red hearts and red and white candy canes. The table was decorated with a red and white tablecloth with matching napkins. Weird you think? The reaction was nothing short of spectacular. It proved that a little unexpected fun can really perk up an evening. Try something like this and create your own unique dinner.
Bruce Fein is the author of e-books. His subjects range from sales, marketing and advertising to the Borough of Brooklyn NY and his personal favorite, Jumbo Shrimp, Ultimate Oxymorons. His current books can be previewed on his website: theworldaccordingtobruce.com.
Client Relationships Are Like A Marriage
I’ve been married before. Actually I’ve been married twice before. Am I proud of it? NOT! I’ve made bad decisions for what turned out to be all the wrong reasons.
But the past cannot be changed. What has changed is my attitude. I realize some of the mistakes I’ve made and there are probably lots of others that I don’t see. Read more
Ultimate Oxymorons
Ultimate Oxymorons
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Recent Posts
- Humor For Lexophiles (Lovers Of Words)
- Am I Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? I’m Not Sure!
- LIVING IN A FURNACE IN A BLACKOUT
- Dining With Friends
- Client Relationships Are Like A Marriage
- A True New Yorker
- The Horrors of HMO’s
- Cooking Up Spicy Bottom Line Profits
- In Advertising, Bad News Always Travels Faster Than Good News
- My Personal Mission
Oxymoron’s for Grownups
Oxymorons For Grownups
About
Oxymorons
Bruce is a man who looks at life with a somewhat unusual sense of humor.
He seems to find humor in the strangest places. That’s what has motivated him to focus on the subject of oxymorons.
An oxymoron is a smart saying which at first appears foolish. “That’s right up my alley”, he says.
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